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Marriage
By Monika Banczerowska
Why are you NOT GETTING MARRIED?! My family keeps on asking me this question since 15 years now! As unbelievable as it may sound (“all women wish to have husband, don’t they” is the stereotype) I really don’t want to – truly I’m not interested. I personally believe what Cynthia Heimel wrote in “The Wendy Syndrome” - the majority of modern marriages turn into a corrosive and destructive affair. Marriage, the till-death-us-do-part contract, spells the end of voluntary affection. A man and a woman who have legally committed themselves to each other are obligated to a lifetime of marital effort. All couples have their varied illusions and expectations about matrimony, many of which cannot be fulfilled simply because too much is asked of it. Marriage is not so much about romance as it is about responsibilities and hard work to make it succeed. This seems to be unpredictably dull and demanding labor which does not have much in common with a beautiful love affair. The more this challenge is evaded the greater the probability of marital failure. And when a relationship is ailing, little do the parties concerned care that the only third person who ought to be used to help is a qualified counsellor. Therefore, the majority of modern marriages inevitably turn into a corrosive and destructive affair.
Contemporary society has overburdened marriage with expectations it was not designed to satisfy. Matrimonial requirements have grown whereas the marriage patterns have been resistant to change. It is an institution that has evolved over centuries to meet some specific needs of a nonindustrial society. Originally, males and females entered into long-term partnership only because it was essential to child rearing. While a woman was looking after a child, a man was foraging for food. Primitive pairs stayed together just long enough to raise one child through infancy. Then each would find a new partner and repeat the cycle. Later, permanent relationships became to be appreciated also as corporate mergers, signed and sealed for family or territorial interests. Romantic love was viewed as tragic and ceded to poetry. Apparently, marriage was not designed as a mechanism for providing friendship, erotic experience, lifelong romance, personal fulfillment, continuous lay psychotherapy, or recreation. And these are precisely the pressures that modern people exert on wedlock. Thus marriage is bound to bring disillusionment, doubt and distress. What starts out as a romantic love affair and culminates in wedded bliss unavoidably corrodes into emotional wreckage.
Furthermore, lovers in the flush of romantic passion do not realize the difficult requirements of married life. However, if they eventually do understand, only few answer the challenge with due perseverance. Marriage makes tough demands on a husband and a wife. To meet them requires hard work without a moment’s respite. Moreover, it is mostly a prosaic job which includes earning a living and housekeeping. As a rule, dull, onerous tasks are resented. Still, passing the domesticity test with flying colors does not guarantee a successful marriage. Equally relevant and far more complicated are the relations between the committed lovers. Respect, understanding and fidelity, the most important tenets of a union, come hard to married couples because they are subjected to too much togetherness. And total continual exposure is probably always mutually damading eventually. It brings ambivalence and doubt, and unleashes agression.
Unfortunately, an ailing relationship is refused the most effective medicine - a sincere talk and fidelity. If a pair is not communicating fully, socially and sexually, it is a base tactic for one or both of them to undertake an act of betrayal. What is more, the straying partner pretends it has been done for the good of the other. But there is nothing healing or creative about infidelity. When the betrayal is discovered, as it often happens, and if the relationship is put together again, it has been patched up not with love but fear of loss, distrust and blackmail. The faithful side feels guilty and inadequate which leads to potential self-hatred. Infidelity inflicts too deep hurts to ever restore things the way they were before. A delicate bond between the partners is destroyed sometimes beyond repair.
Thus, the bulk of contemporary marriages is doomed to grinding and devastating relationships. First, excessive marital expectations never to be fulfilled bring agonizing disillusionment. Second, marriage presses its own tough demands on a husband and a wife, which for many couples are too burdensome. Finally, a fragile and discordant union, instead of receiving mutual help and support, is given the coup de grace. It is further damaged by infidelity. Still, people rush into marriage, in growing numbers, without any clear idea of the reality that underpins the myth. To their disappointment, they soon discover that it is not romantic love that cements a union forever since it is short-lived as the constantly rising divorce rates suggest. Making a relationship strong requires hard work, fairness and putting oneself second sometimes. This, certainly, is not easy. |
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